ChristinaCarpEssay

Christina Tobie
English 2X, per 3.
Bless Me, Ultima essay
April 1, 2004
The Relativity of Faith
(Blue means “insert this here”)
(Red means “read my commentary and evaluate”)
(Yellow means “delete this”)
In Bless Me, Ultima,(this should be underlined) Tony begins the book with blind Christian faith (try “blind faith in Christianity”),(end the sentence here.). but(Change this to “However,” through his own growing maturity, the events he witnesses, and his dissatisfaction in the lack of tangibility in conventional God(:)(this should be a comma) (h)e(lowercase he) turns to (a) less structured belief (system with the Golden Carp) that is ultimately more existentially fulfilling. As Tony’s faith evolves throughout the novel, he discovers that ultimately(change this to “eventually”, as you used ultimately earlier) faith is relative. As a child, Tony needed the wonder and grandeur of Catholicism. (After) (s)erving witness to the deaths of innocents, and the exposure to the sins of his brothers causes him to question the very fundamentals of Catholicism. Thus, Tony is drawn to the physical and less dogmatic
deity of the golden carp. As he matures, Tony develops his own sense of faith.   (good thesis, I can’t remember the prompt though, so I’ll trust you)
Tony is born a Catholic, (“in the beginning of the book” is unnecessary, change it to “and initially”,) he is lost in the glamo(u)r of what he has been told is true; Tony is given no room to explore(, and begins to question it, leading to his new development of faith.) (This topic sentence does not relate to the thesis, so add what I wrote, or something of your own.) Catholicism is out done by its own dogma (Where did this come from?  What do you mean?  It doesn’t belong if you don’t explain it.). Organized religions are a system of prefabricated beliefs, often forced upon children through indoctrination; really not that often analyzed, nor really ‘followed’, just accepted. (ok) Tony is just expected to become a priest, he is not asked(yes). At first Tony has a real love for his faith, (and) he worries for his fathers sins and his brothers. He truly believes that he will achieve a connection to god with his first communion( where he states,) "Soon he would be with me, in me, and he would answer all the questions I had to ask."(219). From the beginning Tony is expected to be a priest, Tony wants his questions answered, but God is silent. Tradition commands Tony to obey this silence and put aside his dreams for his Mothers.   (Tony reflects on this traditional feeling where he states,) "A priest I thought, that was her dream. I was to hold mass in Sundays...in town. I was to hear the confessions of the silent people of the valley, and I was to administer the holy Sacrament to them(,)"(9)(.) As the book progresses Tony finds himself more and more isolated from the Catholicism in his family(,) as he finds himself questioning the unquestionable(:) his faith.
(Try this for a topic sentence: Tony’s own experiences as he matures regarding religion have been more primitive and pagan, but are tangible to him, and lead to his divergence from Christianity.)  A number of people in Tony’s family strongly believe in the Christian god(this doesn’t relate to the second part of the sentence.), and yes, his own spiritual experiences have been more existential and primitive, e.g(.) when he finds he can trust in the golden carp.(This isn’t even a topic sentence.  Make it into something that relates to your thesis, which was, “Tony develops his own sense of faith as experiences in his life mature him,” if I was correct.)(Tony expresses his joy at having a tangible god where he says,) "I could not have been more entranced if I had seen the Virgin, or God himself. I could ... have reached out and touched the holy fish!"(114) The lack of tangibility and response from the Christian gods frustrates Tony; he wants answers, he wants concrete evidence that god is listening. The novel is filled with the deaths of innocents, (and) Tony questions how a god could allow the death of such goodness and allow such evil to continue(.) However,  he receives no answer from the Christian god. (you need a transition here.  You go from his doubt in Christianity to him feeling guilt for believing in the Carp.)  Wracked with guilt, Tony feels that he has betrayed his family by abandoning the faith of his ancestors. (You always forget to lead into the quote!  Let’s try, Tony expresses his melancholy regarding this where he says,) "Would they smile when they learned I doubted the god of my forefathers,... and knew I praised the beauty of the golden carp?" Although Tony feels he is violating what has been taught to him; he seeks spiritual satisfaction in the physical form of the golden carp. He finds solace in the mere physical proximity of the golden carp, unlike his first communion where he feels disregarded by the lack or response from God (good, you made a comparison.  This is what a good transition is.  Do it more often.). For Tony, Catholicism is nothing but disappointments, and disillusions; causing him to change his faith to that of the compassion and understanding of the golden carp.(good)
As he matures, Tony develops his own sense of faith; he finds that even though intangible, the carp is undeniably corporeal(, leading him to trust it as a deity rather than the Christian god). The reality of the carp is the fantastical, physical aspect of a deity that Tony felt Christianity was lacking.  Ultima’s powers are an aspect of the golden carp, both come from a natural earth magic that stems from the faith of each individual. This concept, while originally strange to Tony’s devout mind, becomes the answer to the questions that needed to be asked(,) "Was it possible that there was more power in Ultima’s magic than in the priest?" (Is this a quote, or your own question?) The dogma of Catholicism is simply insufficient when compared to the Karma-like aspect of the carp. (how is the carp karma-like exactly?  You should explain this, it is unclear.)  When (he was) a practicing catholic, Tony feared damnation for his existence even though aware of the tyranny this god is capable of. The golden carp also will punish those that have sinned. However, the carp will admonish only if the people continue to sin. Florence, damned by the fact that he feels God sinned against him, would have been welcomed into the believers of the golden carp.(what is the purpose of this sentence regarding the thesis?  Use a transition or explain it) The physical presence of the golden carp allows Tony to discover the religious exultation that Catholicism could not provide(good).Regarding this, Tony exalts, "This is what I had expected God to do at my first holy communion!"(114) The freedom in the paganism of the golden carp allows Tony to grow spiritually, mentally, and physically over the course of the novel.(good)
The novel ultimately proves that faith, like all things, is relative. For Tony’s Mother, God is found in the greatness of high mass. For his Father, his beloved Ilano, and for his brothers, their freedom, for Ultima in all things, and for Tony, a fish. All these combined reflect the mysterious journey that is human faith, which is Anya’s point: that God is in all things, including ourselves(don’t use personal pronouns.  Try “humanity” instead). It is our journey to find which summons we respond to with our souls. (love the concluding sentence.)
Ok, lots to be corrected.  I thought you had some good commentary.  Don’t forget in future essays that you need to lead into every quote you say and reflect on it, don’t just put it in and expect the reader to know where it came from and what its relevance is.  Also, your topic sentences (statement heading each paragraph) never related to the thesis.  Each one should restate the thesis in regards to the content of the paragraph it heads.  Finally, try to make more transitions.  I didn’t point them all out, but occasionally throughout the essay you would bump erratically from one thought to another.  It was all underneath one concept, but it could have been smoother.  Overall, I thought it was very spiritual.  Good luck correcting.