Saturday
January 15, 2000
I’ve
finally realized that after the endless words I have spoken to you whether I
was screaming, sobbing, whispering them in your ear or even merely talking,
nothing has sunk in. Not a single day passes by that I don’t find out different
things about you that I never knew you did or said. It’s completely irrelevant
what they are. The fact remains that you are barely ever honest with me. I
don’t want this letter to be judgmental I do not want it to start a fight and a
big hate spree; I just can’t help but feel torn. I’m not even sure if the
reason I’m with you is because I don’t want you to be with anyone else or I
because I want you myself.
We haven’t really been respectful to each other, I
mean the way we talk to each other is disgraceful, it really is. Swearing and
screaming at each other to “shut the hell up”. I’m not saying I haven’t made
any mistakes of course I have. The only thing that I can come up with is that
I’m trying harder to make this work then you are. I tell those who affected our
relationship negatively that it would not be appropriate if we talked any
longer, mostly I didn’t even bother to tell them that at all. You however
continue to let those people affect our relationship every day. If it means costing
“us” I can’t help but think you would continue to do it. You are dishonest and
that obviously means you don’t respect the fact that that’s not acceptable to
me. A.k.a not respecting me. I try to do things for you to make you happy with
me but nothing works I will obviously never make you happy it’s not humanly
possible unless you do it yourself. This is really depressing and at the same
time insulting it’s not me that makes you unhappy. You have dug yourself into
your own miserable hole. I know that sounds really bitter, and so will the
following I have continuously tried to help you through this but according to
you someone else does it better. I can’ t help, and I have no will to try any
longer. I fell in love with the person you used to be and you are not that
person anymore and who you are now does not want to be the way you were. You
say you are extremely unhappy and that only drags me down with you. You need
some one who is not as close and as attached as I am to get you through your
struggle. I know you love me but not the way I want you to. I feel as though you think I’m the selfish
one in this relationship but when it really comes down to it, I’m not. I
remember when you told me that a relationship dies when both people stop
growing. This time last year I was a rose in full bloom, now I can feel my
petals being torn off my stock. Metaphorically speaking of course. No, I am not
going to mention the girls that have contributed to this whole mess because you
are a guy and that’s what guys do. I truly have no faith that any man is
different because I used to think you were different and would never hurt me
that way and look what happened.( taking note that yes I was bad too) And of
course my mistakes don’t linger too far back in my mind. I have to be the strong person that I am,
that would mean not being with someone who at this point in his life does not
have the selflessness one needs. I do love you and I always will. You have
changed me both positively and negatively, which will change my opinion of you
forever. You will never be just a guy. If we ever do manage to be friends again
then you must know that no one will ever compare to you. I don’t want anybody
else so none of what I’m saying has anything do with that but that we aren’t
right for each other anymore. I have cried endlessly over this and I cannot,
and will not do that anymore, I’m tired and worn out. Of course if you do move
on it will hurt me probably more then anything else has but that part of my
heart has already been hit a couple of times before. If I start to recall the
good times I might take back all the bad things and where would that leave me?
But I do want to thank you for what you did for me, coming into Merivale I was
so scared that it would be the same as grade eight and you proved to me it
wouldn’t. We have shared so much and all of it is treasured in my heart and in
“my box”. I don’t want to end this I still love you so much. But ….you aren’t
you anymore and it is so hard to get past that. I love you so much, and it
hurts so much. I feel so empty (take note I am bawling while writing this and
of course listening to sappy music) I know this won’t ever end well, and trying
to get this to work is just making the good times harder to reach. I know we
will talk after this and we won’t ruin are weekend at Tremblant by fighting so
those are two good things. I do wish you the very best I want nothing more then
for you to be happy and successful. But that house on the canal that we, or
should I say I dreamt about is not ever going to happen. I don’t think there is
much more to say then I truly think you aren’t that surprised we are breaking
up again but that it wasn’t you that did it.
I do love you, goodbye Boo,
Lauren
xoxo
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