English 131-86
Essay
I awoke to the smell of an old house, the
lights were off and the house was cold and damp. Doug was nudging me saying "Wake-up! I
got us a wake-up . . . get out of bed!"
He was wide awake and holding a sixteenth of cocaine in his hand. My stomach started churring as I got up and
ran to the restroom. He had woken me up
many days like this but today Doug really had the dope. He enjoyed waking me up and making me think
he had some cocaine, but most days he did not.
After I threw up, I washed my face leaving the
water running, and searched for the needles hidden under the cabinet. I gave Doug the spoon and I tried to pull
thirty units of water into the syringe.
Doug hit me on the side of my head and said "Your shaking too much,
let me do that." I pulled away from
the faucet and let the syringe fall into the sink. Then I rolled up the shirt
sleeve on my right arm. I looked at my
arm. I had tracks, needle marks, up and
down my arm. My shirt sleeve had blood stains on it from the day before. I held out my arm and demanded "I get
the first one and I want coke not watered down coke!" Doug pulled my arm close to him and inserted
the needle in my arm. As I was shaking,
he told me "Make this last for a while girl." I felt the dope hit me and ran out of the
restroom. I was shaking and could not
get my breath. I enjoyed this feeling
although I knew it was not going to last.
I could hear every sound outside and inside the house. My heart beat grew faster and I felt the rush
going away. I wanted another fix. Doug had just got finished doing himself.
I grew scared and felt like Doug was going to
do most of the cocaine. I did not want
to feel the down side of this high just yet although I knew it was coming very
soon. Five minutes later I fixed myself
another shot of cocaine and handed it to Doug.
He was shaking and could not focus on what I wanted him to do. I cried out to God asking for him to "Help me." Then Doug came to some
sense, he pulled my arm close to him and gave me my shot of cocaine in the same
place he had done it earlier. I felt the
rush and hit the floor. All my senses
were focused on the feeling I was getting from the shot of cocaine I had just
received. My heart was beating fast and
my mind was listening to the loud sounds around me. Then the more frightened I grew, I knew someone was out to get me. I stayed afraid. I just knew I was going to get killed or I
was going to jail. I felt the impulse to
watch the street outside the old ran down house. I stared out the window shade and thought of
how I was going to make enough money get some more cocaine that day. Doug yelled "If you want more of this
you best get in here!" I went back
into the bathroom and did the last shot of cocaine we had. Doug stared getting mad "You do too much
of this shit!" He was coming down
and was feeling the down side of his high.
"How in the hell are we going to get more today?" "I let Brandy use your car and she gave
me this shit!" " It was not even very good! Huh?" Doug was mad.
Doug always watered down the last shot of
cocaine he made for me. He also enjoyed
making me feel like I had done it all. I
could only think of one thing. How was I going to stay high today. I hoped someone would come by to share their
cocaine with us. I knew if they did not
the day was off to a bad start. Once I
had gotten high, I was no good. I was
afraid and did not want to come down.
This day was like many other days. I did what I had to do. I did not think of anything but staying high
on the cocaine. I picked up my bible and
prayed "God if your out there? Help
Me! I want to live and not remain in this hell." The day dragged on in the
same fashion. Doing more cocaine and
never having enough.
This all happened about three years ago, when I
was in the middle of my drug addiction. This day, like many others, was spent
with my boyfriend Doug. I have been
clean two years now. I thank the Lord
above for changing my life and taking away the control the drugs have over my
life. I look back today thinking how
could anyone live this type of life.
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